Posted by MPM on October 08, 2016
Now that Donald Trump is our President here are some things you need to know!
1 Did you know that Donald Trump was accused of not being a natural born American?
He was outraged and immediately went to twitter to disprove the allegations.
Donald J. Trump@realDonaldTrump Outrageous! Will prove birth with baby book.
Although clearly no one was interested in following up we contacted a Trump staffer who immediately sent us this scan. She asked if we wanted a copy of his first report card and an affidavit signed by his pediatrician but we respectfully declined. When she suggested we take a look at an NBC series documenting every moment of his early childhood we also respectfully declined although we were admittedly curious.
Here is the page from his baby book:
Significant milestones we were able to glean from this rare document:
First bath in Gold Coins: 7 months
First Lawsuit:8 weeks
In handwriting that could be his mother's: So proud of our Donald. He filed civil suit against doctor who spanked him.
We are not quite sure if this lets him off the hook but we will wait for the debate and further tweets on the matter.
2. People are concerned that Donald Trump has secret ties with Russia, but did you know that it was Donald Trump who brought down Sputnik?
We got this from a very credible source that at age 12 Donald was so outraged by the Russians ability to put the first satellite into space that he took it upon himself to even the score.
Few people know that Sputnik 1 spent three months in orbit causing people to doubt America's superiority as a technological superpower. They do know that Sputnik 1 burned up on January 4, 1958 but what they don't know and what we are able to reveal to you today is that Donald Trump tied all his suit jackets into a long lasso and single-handedly brought down Sputnik. Look closely at the photo on the right.
3. Did you know that at least four students from Trump's elementary school are stepping forward to thank him for bullying?
When asked about it he responded with: "They were all geeks and nerds at the time. I did it for their own good and I can prove it. They are much better for it."
We found photos of the alleged victims and here was Mr. Trump's response:
4.Did you know that Donald Trump has released his secret plan to defeat ISIS?
Donald Trump was very careful only to reveal his plan in a secret recording made while he was in his trailer with a reporter awaiting an appearance on a very sophisticated television show. He shared with this reporter his foolproof torture techniques that he will use on any criminal alien or ISIS member who will have no choice but to reveal all secrets of their future plans. With this information he will be sure to rid the country of undesirables, people with bad taste and of course members of ISIS. He equates them with people with bad taste because of their fashion choices.
We got a copy of an approved list of Trump torture techniques he is planning to deliver at the debate, but only if he has to.
5. Did you know that one of the first things Donald Trump plans to do now that he has been elected is find and defeat Bigfoot!
Revealing this to only those closest to him or to those who attended some of his parties in the 1980s, Donald Trump swears he has not only met Bigfoot but that Bigfoot harasses him and has been doing so since Donald's childhood. Hiding in Donald's closet in Queens Bigfoot would come out at night and tell him he would never amount to anything. Then when Donald went screaming to his parent's bedroom Bigfoot would disappear into the night and grab the subway out of town.
Donald has sworn revenge and will use all the powers of the executive office to defeat what he considers "the most dangerous individual threat to American safety and security." It isn't ISIS, criminal aliens, or even strong women without boob jobs that are the problem." he adds.
6. Did you know that in light of allegations that Trump is a misogynistic pig who does not respect women that he has revealed that one of the first things he will do after his swearing in is to create the "Women's health, Menstruation and Weight Council?
Donald Trump was anxious to answer our call when we confronted him about the heat he took from women during these last weeks of his campaign.
He responded with his plan to create this new Council as an Agency of the US Department of Women's Physical and Mental Fitness.
"It's going to be great!" he says. "Women 18-35 will be required to appear before me when i am President Trump as well as my appointed judges to undergo a series of tests to determine where they need improvement. (Women over 35 will be exempt) This way no one women will ever again have to question how they can be great!"
7. Did you know that now that he is elected Donald Trump will give new benefits to combat veterans?
Of course to qualify you must have a note from your doctor stating that you DO NOT suffer from PTSD. These benefits are not for any crybabies.
We have it from a very credible source inside the Trump camp that he is planning really great things for combat veterans.
Here are just a few that we can reveal:
8.Did you know that now that he is elected Donald Trump plans on making the IRS better and smarter?
We interviewed some of Donald Trump's best friends from his exclusive club in Palm Beach. He has made many promises to them including:
They can claim up to three golf courses as dependents.
Haircuts can be counted as a business expense.
We also got a hold of an exclusive document indicating how tax dollars will be allocated in a Trump Administration.
9.Did you know that now that he is elected and in light of having a Republican majority President Donald Trump will completely improve the time it takes to move a bill into law?
He is already well-known to love his mobile device. He thinks technology is what will make America Great Again. So he has taken his "real time" concepts to the next level. Trump will make the process of passing a law almost instantaneous. Here is how he will do it:
10. Did you know that these facts and more can be found in Onion Founder Scott Dikkers book: "Trump's America: The Complete Loser's Guide"?
This book by America's premier satirical political pundit tells you everything you need to know about Donald Trump. It will also prepare you for the impending Trumpocalypse. It is the only handbook you will ever need.
You can buy this book published by Blaffo Books and Micro Publishing Media at any bookstore near you. Airports have it too. If it is not there demand it. It is your inalienable right to laugh.
It is also on Amazon.com. Be sure to leave a review.
Scott Dikkers enjoys laughing at Donald Trump who is a political satirist's dream.
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